Rocking Chair
by TakerTakeMe
Summary: I control lots of wrestlers and make them sing a song and do a video for me... Stupid summary, weird story, just poking fun. I came up with it a few weeks ago...
1. Angle Has Left The Building

_**Chapter 1: Angle Has Left The Building**_

"You guys have been hand-picked by me to be in a new video for a song of my choosing," I informed a group of WWE wrestlers. They were all sitting around the room wondering exactly what the hell was going on. They had all been doing various things when all of a sudden they had all appeared together in this room, one at a time.

"How did we get here, first of all?" the Undertaker asked. "And who the hell are you?"

"Is that any way to talk to me?" I asked him. "I'm TakerTakeMe, the narrator and creator of many stories about you and other wrestlers here. I made you guys come here just with the sheer power of my creativity and my complex mind. And guess what? Here, in this alternate reality called fanfiction dot net, I'm your boss."

"No one is my boss," Taker replied. "And your name, TakerTakeMe... Is that supposed to be symbolic or something?"

"Take it how you wanna, Deadman," I replied with a careless flick of my hair from in front of my eyes. "It literally means what is says...but that's not the point now."

"Then what's the point? Because this is totally weird," Chris Jericho said from next to Taker.

"Ah, shut up and let the woman speak," John Cena said. He looked at me. "I'm paying full attention, ma'am."

I smiled. "You're like the teacher's pet, aren't ya, John?" Some people snickered, and John looked crestfallen. "I love the teacher's pet, though." I gave him a smile and he smiled back. "Now, on to what's gonna happen today."

"Can I have some milk?" Kurt Angle asked.

"No, Kurt," I said. "I have to tell you all about what's gonna happen today."

"Please?" he pleaded. "If I don't have enough milk today then I won't have enough calcium and if I don't have enough calcium then my bones will be brittle and if my bones are brittle then I can't wrestle and if I can't wrestle then I can't live and if I can't live then I'm obviously dead and if I'm dead then-"

SLAP!

"Now let the woman talk," Taker said, satisfied as his handprint began to show up on Kurt's face, wide and red.

Kurt only nodded and put his hand up to his face.

"Thanks. Now, the song you will be doing the video for is called 'Rocking Chair' and it's a TakerTakeMe original," I informed them.

"Hold on, hold on. Rocking Chair?" Batista asked.

"Yep," I replied. "Now... Basically this song is about this guy that has everything in life but only wants a rocking chair to make him happy. But he can't get the one he wants, because there's this fat ass guy sitting in it and he won't get up."

"That's dumb, brother," Hulk Hogan scoffed from the back of the room.

"I'm not a brother... I'm a sista! Shawn, would you do the honors?" I asked in a bored voice.

"With pleasure," Shawn Michaels replied. He got up and superkicked Hogan out of his boots. "Was that ok?" he asked after he'd done it.

"Perfect," I said. "Now that he is out cold, shall I continue?" Vigorous nodding from the rest of the wrestlers. "Awesome. So this song is kind of weird, I already know, but you guys will help make it a hit, I know. Who knows how to sing or rap here?"

"Me! Me! Pick me!" Jericho exclaimed, waving his hand around in the air. "I'm a rock starrrrrr!"

"I can rap, yo," John said. "I can bust a rhyme or two. Won't you let me bust a freestyle for you?"

"I can sing," Taker said. Everyone looked at him, surprised. "What? The Deadman can't sing? Do I need to prove it?"

"Sure. Do your thing," I said.

Everyone looked at Taker expectantly. He cleared his voice, then began singing. "Are you lonesome tonight? Do you miss me tonight? Are you sorry we drifted apart? Is your heart filled with pain? Shall I come back a_gain_? Tell me dear, are you lonesome to_night_?" He looked around when he was done.

"What the hell? You sound like Elvis," Batista said after a long silence.

"Duh," Taker said. "That _was_ an Elvis song, ya know."

"I'm sorry. That's not really the sound I'm looking for right now," I said to Taker in a sad voice. "But I could use you later on tonight back at the hotel."

"No problem," he said, not in the least bit disappointed. "Would you like me to meet you there?"

"Yes. As a matter of fact, how about you head over to the hotel now and get ready?" I suggested.

"Ok, sure. See you asses later," he said to his fellow wrestlers, and headed for the door.

"The Undertaker has left the building," Kurt said, laughing at his own lame joke. No one else laughed, but they did start smiling really big a few seconds later.

"He's right behind me, isn't he?" Kurt asked as a shadow fell over him.

"Damn, Angle, you're so smart," Taker said, then proceeded to chokeslam him through the floor. "Well, what do ya know? Kurt Angle has left the building..."


	2. Still In The Closet

_**Chapter 2: Still In The Closet**_

"Ok, guys, let's listen to the lyrics to the song so you can get an idea of what I'm looking for," I told the group of wrestlers. With Taker gone and Angle and Hogan laid out on the floor, things had calmed down quite a bit. I pulled out the lyrics and a page of them appeared in each of their hands.

"How the hell do you _do_ that?" Batista asked.

"It's magic," I said, then went on with my business. "Who wants to read the lyrics out loud?"

"Me! Me! Pick me!" Jericho said, eagerly waving his hand in the air. "Over here! When I went to school, my teachers all said I was the starrrrrr reader!"

"Fine. You can read half of it," I said, seeing no other volunteers. "Triple H can read the other half."

"Triple H isn't here," Shawn said, looking confused.

I snapped my fingers and Triple H fell out of the air and hard onto the floor, flat onto his butt. "He is now," I said, and I laughed at the expression on all of their faces.

"Hey, what the hell just happened?" Triple H asked, standing up and rubbing his butt.

"I just made you come here so you can be in my music video," I said to him. I passed him a copy of the lyrics. "Jericho will be reading the first half of the song and you will be reading the other half. Got it?"

"No, I don't got it! I was-" Triple H began, but I interrupted him.

"Hey, will someone please warn him about what happens when you don't do as I say?" I asked no one in particular.

"That's a no-no," Kurt Angle groaned from below the floor.

"Right, brother," Hulk Hogan muttered, still laid out on the floor with his eyes closed.

"What happened to them?" Triple H inquired.

"Didn't listen to me," I told him. "If you don't listen to me, you face the consequences."

"Sorry. I'll read the second half of the lyrics, ma'am," Triple H said humbly to me.

"There you go. Good boy." I threw him a Scooby Snack and he quickly ate it. "Alright, Jericho. Make my lyrics come to life."

"Once upon a time there was this rich old guy. He had almost anything he could want in the world. He had a mansion, plenty cars, nice job, plenty bars... With all that money he could have any girl..." Jericho paused for dramatic effect, then went on. "But the one thing he could not get was a rocking chair in which to sit. He wanted it but it was occupied by another guy... He had to have it but couldn't grab it so then he cried..."

"I hate to interrupt, but TakerTakeMe, this is rubbish. This doesn't even rhyme!" Triple H said quietly.

"What did you just say to me?" I asked him evenly.

"It was just constructive criticism, ma'am," Triple H whispered. "I don't mean to offend you, but this song makes no sense."

"That's why I need you guys to bring it to life and _make it_ make sense!" I exclaimed. "I know this song is a piece of shit, but with you guys here, I know it will be a masterpiece in the end. I have that much faith in you guys."

"Aw, I think I love you!" John Cena exclaimed. "I'm gonna bust a freestyle just for you."

"Not now, assclown. I have to finish reading the first half of the lyrics!" Jericho yelled, but John ignored him.

"TakerTakeMe, you should choose me to be the one to read your song. I got the fame that lasts forever but Chris won't be around too long," John said, beaming.

"TakerTakeMeeeeeee!" Jericho whined. "He won't let me finish reading the lyricssssssssss!"

"Cute, John, but not nice. Why don't you let Jericho read the song so we can get this done?" I asked.

"Ooooookkkkkkk," John pouted.

"Just out of curiosity, why are you making us do this in the first place? Is it something for your job or whatever?" Batista wanted to know.

"Job? Ha! I don't work yet!" I laughed. "But no, seriously, I'm doing a project for a class at school and they said be creative. So I'm going all out. I mean, where else will you find a story about a group of wrestlers performing a nonsensical song where a 17-year-old girl has ultimate power over them all?"

"Uh..."

"I'm confused!"

"Huh?"

"Whaaa?"

"Run that by me one more time..."

"Yeah, _ese_, I don't understand that," Eddie Guerrero said from the back of the room. "_No comprendo_..."

"Where the hell did you come from?" I asked with a frown as I looked at Eddie. "I didn't summon you here."

"I followed Triple H through the portal, _chica_," Eddie said to me. He looked at Triple H. "Why didn't you tell me you were leaving, _holmes_?"

"I didn't get into this relationship for you to be keeping tabs on me!" Triple H said angrily. "So why is it any of your business?"

"Because, I'm your _papi_!" Eddie exploded. "I mean, that's what you were calling me last night when we were..."

"Shhhhh!" Triple H said. "I'm not out of the closet yet, man!"

"You are now," Shawn said, looking at Triple H with a look of awe on his face. "So tell me this. All those years we were in DX and saying 'suck it' were you really following your own advice?"

"Aw man!" Triple H groaned. "I wish they hadn't heard you, you idiot!" he yelled to Eddie. He looked at me. "Can you erase that part of their memories or something? We'll never get this video done for you if they keep ribbing me about being a homosexual."

"Oh, so you admit it?" I asked, surprised. He nodded. "What made you turn?"

"Well, I have penis problems," he answered. "Didn't want surgery. What's a guy to do?"

He looked so sad that I immediately took pity on him. I erased the last five minutes of everyone's memories except for mine, Triple H's, and Eddie's. Then I looked at them all. "Ok, no more personal talk," I said. "We have to get to work!"

"Yes ma'am!" Triple H said loudly while mouthing "thanks" to me.

And then it was time to get back to work...


	3. Join The Party

_**Chapter 3: Join The Party**_

"Back to the song," Jericho said. "That is, if this rude assclown over here will shut up and let me finish." He looked pointedly at John, who shrugged his shoulders.

"Just read the song," I said.

"Ahem." Jericho cleared his throat and continued. "I need a rocking chaaaair, just to make my life complete. A rocking chaaaair, no other chair can compete. A rocking chaaaair, just one would be good enough. I'll get my rocking chaaaair if his fat ass will get up..."

"Good, good," I said, clapping as Jericho really got into the song. "You really are the starrrrrr reader! And you're a rock star, too!"

"I know!" Jericho said proudly. "Just between me and you, TakerTakeMe, my parents and my teachers always told me I was someone special, that I was destined to be a huge rock star." He was getting excited, grinning at me. "Why, this is just my first step! After this video, I will really be a HUGE rock star! I'll be unstoppable! I'll be-"

"Shut your mouth, Jabroni!"

We all turned around when we heard the phrase, and surprisingly, there stood The Rock. He was leaning against the wall eating some pie...

"What the hell are you doing here?" John asked, asking the question we all wanted to ask.

"John Cena, you really want to know what The Rock is doing here on the set of _Rocking Chair_?" The Rock asked, licking his lips.

John nodded. "Well, yeah, we wanna kn-"

"IT DOESN'T MATTER IF YOU WANNA KNOW!" The Rock exclaimed. "The only thing that matters is that finally, The Rock _has come back_ to-"

"You talkin' ta me?" Batista asked, pointing at himself with one eyebrow raised.

"This isn't the Taxi Cab audition thing you guys did for Wrestlemania," I said to Batista.

"Right," Batista said, looking down at his feet.

"Really, what are you doing here?" I asked The Rock. "I totally didn't summon you here."

"I know," The Rock answered, eating more pie. "But I think this video needs some spicing up, and that's why The Great One is here. You, TakerTakeMe, can use me any way that you see fit. I am at your service."

"Really?" I asked.

"Yep," The Rock answered. "I'm here. Use me."

"Fine. On your knees, Rock," I said immediately.

The Rock stared at me in disbelief and did his patented move, raising his right eyebrow. "The Rock _never_ gets on his knees for _anyone_ unless he's being served a delicious helping of Poontang Pie," he said. He put his eyebrow back down and made his voice low and husky. "Is _that_ what you're offering me, TakerTakeMe? Some of your Poontang Pie?"

"You'll never know until you get on your knees," I teased him. Of course, I was only kidding with him. He wasn't getting any Poontang Pie from me. To tell the truth, I don't even know why I told him to get on his knees... I just wanted to see if he would do it.

"No way," Shawn spoke up, walking over to me. "You aren't giving him any Poontang Pie! Not unless I get some first. You know HBK is the best!"

"Nuh uh! Me! I'm the _real_ starrrrrr when it comes to eating Poontang Pie! Just ask Stephanie McMahon," Jericho said with a smirk.

"Hey!" Triple H said, offended by Jericho's comment. "I freakin' resent that!"

"Trips, I know you've been wondering why she left you, right?" Jericho asked. He smirked again. "Well? Have you?"

"I already know why," Triple H said. "You _don't_ have to remind me a million and one times!"

"She left you for me because I'm a _true_ starrrrrr in the bedroom," Jericho said. "I'm so good I can make _her_ see stars!"

"Hey, _ese_, Trips isn't bad in bed...when he's on the receiving end of a little punishment, Guerrero-style!" Eddie cracked. "Boy, you should hear him moaning, all high-pitched like a little _chica_..."

"Eddie! Damn your big mouth!" Triple H exclaimed, turning red. Everyone looked at him with open mouths and wide eyes. Eddie had just basically told them that Triple H was gay for the second time, only they didn't remember the first time, what with my easily erasing their memories that first time per Triple H's request.

"Wow. The Rock never knew that Triple H liked getting the 'Rock Bottom' in the bedroom," The Rock said, surprised. "That is, a _rock_ in your _bottom_..."

"Hell, I could've told you that," came a cool female voice from behind us. We a turned around to look at the newcomer.

"Stephy, baby, what are _you_ doing here?" Jericho asked happily.

"I was wondering where _you_ went," Stephanie McMahon said, walking over to Jericho. "One minute we were in the bed knocking some bed springs loose, and the next minute I was the only one there. _Not_ a pleasant experience," she said, touching his arm and frowning.

"I'm sorry," Jericho said contritely. "I had no control over this. I just showed up here fully clothed, which I find weird because I was totally naked... Hey wait a minute. What'd you do when I left?" He looked and sounded curious.

"What do you think I did? I had to finish by myself," Stephanie said, running two of her fingers over his lips and pressing them slowly into his mouth. "Taste _this_."

"Nice," Jericho said, smiling at her and sucking on her fingers. "Very nice."

"Enough of this! Can we just get on with the damn song?" Batista asked loudly. He sounded irritated, like the conversation between Stephanie and Jericho just disgusted him completely.

"Batista's right," I decided, looking at Stephanie and Jericho. "You two just need to keep your hands off of each other for a while. I need to get this project done, and Jericho, you're my huge rock starrrrrr, remember?"

"That's right. I'm a rock starrrrrr!" Jericho exclaimed, taking the bait that I had so subtly thrown at him. He looked at Stephanie. "We'll finish this when we get done with this project, ok?"

"Fine, but only if I can be a part of this little project, too," Stephanie said, pouting.

"Yeah, me, too," The Rock piped up. "Let me join the party."

Everyone looked expectantly at me, waiting to see whether I'd let The Rock and Stephanie both get in on my little project. Triple H was frantically shaking his head "no" but everyone else seemed fine with it. What could I say? Majority rules, always.

"Steph, Rock, you're both welcome to join in on my little project," I said, much to the dismay of Triple H, who groaned audibly. "Come on and join the party!" I smiled and shook both of their hands as a series of evil thoughts popped into my head. It was time to have a little fun...

**A/N: Sorry it took FOREVER to update. _Chapter 4: He's Baaaack_ is coming up soon (hopefully at least today or tomorrow)!**


	4. He's Baaaack

_**Chapter 4: He's Baaaack**_

"Ok, time for a little break," I said after we had worked on my project for about an hour.

"Awesome," Jericho said happily, grabbing Stephanie's hand. "Come on, let's go...hang out." He quickly led her into a dark corner of the room.

"We're hungry. When are we gonna eat?" John asked me, rubbing his stomach.

"Now. Here," I said. I snapped my fingers once and some buffet tables appeared out of nowhere. They were covered in food and drinks. "Here's an all you can eat buffet," I said. I looked over at Kurt Angle, who had finally gotten up sometime during the last hour. He was sitting quietly in a chair. "I even got some milk for you, too, Kurt."

"For me? Milk?" Kurt asked, sudden tears sparking in his eyes. "Thank you sooooo much, TakerTakeMe!" He dived to the floor in front of me and threw his arms around my legs. "Thank you, thank you, thank you!" he said, kissing my shoes.

"That's enough. You're welcome," I said, feeling kind of embarrassed by his actions. "Let me go."

"No, it's never going to be enough. I'm just so thankful for your gratitude!" Kurt cried. "Now I worship the ground you walk upon!"

"Kurt, _please_," I said, trying to keep my patience. I was one second away from summoning someone up that would handle my problem for me by kicking Kurt's ass. I really didn't want to do that, considering the damage I was sure Taker had done with that first chokeslam, but I didn't have much of a choice. Kurt was being annoyingly persistent.

"I _love_ you, TakerTakeMe!" Kurt yelled, tears streaming down in his face. "Do you hear that, everybody? I _love_ TakerTakeMe! She got me milk!" He started sobbing, grabbing my legs tighter. "She...got...me...milk!"

"Geez, it's not like she asked you to marry her," John said, eating a piece of chicken.

"I know," Batista agreed. "It's just milk."

"I'll never let you go," Kurt said to me, sighing happily and simultaneously hiccupping. He wiped his tears away and blew his nose on my jeans. "I love you."

That pissed me off to the highest level. He had the nerve to blow his nose on my jeans, and on top of that he had the _audacity_ to insult me by telling me that he loved me. It was time to take action. It was time to call in my backup troops.

It was time for the Deadman to make an encore appearance.

I snapped my finger once, and just like that, Taker appeared in front of me. His shirt was off and his hair was down, dripping wet. He was wearing some baggy sweats and some shoes. He looked hotter than ever. Apparently, he was fresh out the shower.

"What am I doing back here?" Taker asked me. "I was back at the hotel setting up your room with candles and everything and then all of a sudden I'm here and..." His voice trailed off as he noticed Kurt holding on to my legs. "What the _hell_ is up with him?" he asked me finally as all the other superstars watched, munching silently on food.

"See, I conjured up this food because everyone was getting hungry," I explained. "I made sure to get Kurt some milk because earlier he wanted some milk _so_ bad, remember?"

"Yeah, that's why I slapped the hell out of him earlier," Taker said. He grinned in satisfaction when he thought of how great it had felt to make Kurt shut the hell up. He looked back at me. "So, go on. What happened?"

"He says he's sooooo thankful or whatever, but he won't let me go," I said, gesturing down at Kurt who was still holding on to my legs. "He says he loves me and he'll never let me go, and...and... He blew his nose on my jeans!"

"He blew his _nose_ on your _jeans_?" Taker repeated. I nodded. "That's just disgusting!"

"I know! That's why I need _you_, Taker, to make him let me go," I said. "You're the only man who can do it."

"But you're the author of this story. You have the most power," Taker pointed out. "Why didn't you just make a casket appear out of thin air and drop on his head? Or better yet, why didn't you just kick his ass yourself?"

"Because you're so big and strong, and you look good kicking his ass. I just wanted you to do it for me. Will you?" I asked sweetly, batting my eyelashes and pouting at him.

"Of course," Taker replied. He smiled a little at me, then frowned as he looked down at Kurt. He grabbed Kurt by the head. "Get up, you bald-headed bastard," he ordered in a gruff voice. "Right. Now."

Kurt let me go, stood up, and turned to look up at Taker. "I thought you left the building," he said quietly.

"I came back," Taker said. "But that's not the point right now, prick. The point is you're messing with _my_ girl."

"She's not _yours_. You're old enough to be her _father_!" Kurt pointed out.

"And? That's not important at all, that's not even a factor. That just means I have a lot of experience and I can teach her things that she doesn't know," Taker said. He looked at me. "Besides, I'm feeling anything _but_ fatherly, looking at her right now."

"You'll be looked upon as a pedophile," Kurt pointed out.

"Touché," Taker said. An evil grin appeared on his face as he looked at Kurt. "But that doesn't matter right now, either."

"Then what really matters, Mr. Undertaker, sir?" Kurt asked sarcastically. I was surprised that Kurt was capable of such sarcasm.

"Just this," Taker said, punching him in the stomach. Kurt doubled over and in the blink of an eye, Taker had him set up for the Last Ride.

"You don't really want to do this, Taker," Kurt said.

"But TakerTakeMe wants me to do this," Taker said, winking at me. "And her wish is my command... Did I really just say that, or are you controlling my mouth, too?"

"I made you say it," I said, grinning at him.

"You know, I'd never say something like that if I had some control over my mouth," Taker pointed out. "TakerTakeMe's wish is my command... That actually sounds like something Baldy here would say."

"Just give him the Last Ride already!" I said impatiently.

"As you wish, master," Taker said, then gave Kurt the Last Ride, causing him to go through the floor _again_. I clapped happily as Taker stood tall before me.

"Thank you, thank you, thank you!" I gushed.

"What can I say?" Taker asked with a smile. "For the second time, Kurt Angle has left the building..."

From below the floor, Kurt just groaned...

**A/N: Ok, so weird chapter, huh? Kurt Angle really used to be a little pansy! But now the new Kurt Angle is so mean and intense... Nah, we don't need the _new_ Kurt Angle in this story!**


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